The Big Question

One of the questions we've been asked most often since Jack was born is if we're done because we have one of each. I don't know exactly how to answer it, and maybe we're not ready to give a response just yet.

I'm now in a position that I haven't been in since October 2007. I've either been pregnant or trying to get pregnant for the past two and a half years. To tell you the truth, I kind of miss it. I miss the possibility of being pregnant and actually being pregnant. Based on how I'm feeling right now, I'm pretty sure we're not done.

But who knows, maybe when the newness of having a baby around wears off and the postpartum hormones settle down, I might change my mind about having another and be perfectly content with two kids. At the same time, I've never been able to answer the question of how many kids do we want to have. So, for those of you who were wondering, we don't know, but don't be surprised if we have at least one more eventually.

Reflections

Today was the estimated due date for my second pregnancy last year.

This time isn't as hard as last October. I think it's because I never really got a chance to bond with the baby. We never even got to see the bean on an ultrasound since I miscarried before that was even possible (5 weeks, 5 days). With my other pregnancy, we got to see the baby multiple times, and even once after it had passed.

I never imagined that Mara would still be an only child right now, but I guess that was God's plan for now. I pray that we will have another baby this time next year. We'll just have to wait and see if that is what God wants.

One Year Later

A year ago today, I found out that I was suffering my first miscarriage. One year since my world changed and I was no longer innocent about the negative sides of pregnancy. I thought we would have another child by now or at least I would be pregnant again, but I guess it wasn't in God's plan.

We're spending the day together as a family. It wasn't really planned that way – it just happened. Mara's teachers rescheduled their class field trip to the Dallas Zoo to today. Since John was already off, I decided to take off as well and make it a family outing. I think it will be good for me and help me cope with the anniversary that is also today. Tomorrow will also be hard as it will be one year since I had my D&C. But I'll survive just like I have been doing.

Why?

Here I am once again wondering when I'll get pregnant because it didn't happen yet again. I know the whole reason I'm not pregnant is because the timing's not right, but I can't help but wonder why. Why is it that the timing is not right? What do we need to do to be ready to have another child? I know there are some things that we can change, but is that it? Are we waiting for John to find a different job? Do I/we need to start working out more? Do we need to clean out the cats' room (will be nursery) as well as the rest of the house before it will happen?

I know that God does what's best for us, but I can't help but feel disappointed when I hear people announcing their pregnancies every time I turn a corner. But I just keep up with my mantra – one of these days we will have another child, and it will be when the timing is just right.

Hope

We are currently in the two-week wait for this cycle (where we need to wait two weeks to see if I am pregnant), and I can't help but hope that this is it.

On our way back home Monday, we stopped at a Toys R Us in Austin. As we were wandering around, we passed the baby toys, and Mara said, "We're going to have a baby." I went on to ask her if there is a baby in Mommy's tummy, and she said yes. I know that might not mean a lot to other people, but I do believe that kids can tell these things. Last year, Mara stopped talking about her new brother or sister a few weeks before we found out I lost the baby; however, the baby had actually stopped developing around the time Mara stopped talking about it.

Then, last night, I ended up having two dreams about being pregnant. In the first one, I was pregnant with twins (saw them on an ultrasound), and in the second one, someone commented on me being due around Christmas. The second dream doesn't really correspond with me being pregnant now since I would have a due date around Thanksgiving, but my subconscious is definitely thinking about pregnancy right now. :)

This is the first time in a long time that I've gotten my hopes up and felt this good about a potential pregnancy. I just hope I won't be disappointed in a couple of weeks.

Maybe there's something in the water

Mara and I went to a birthday party for one of her school friend today. There are two kids that Mara has been in school with since she started (Grace and Logan), and they are still pretty good friends. I hadn't seen Grace's mom in a while, and I found out today that she's due with another girl in three weeks. On top of that, Logan's mom just found out she's pregnant and due in October. When we were leaving, I also discovered that another one of Mara's friends (Ben) is going to be a big brother sometime this year too.

At first, I wasn't sure what to think of all of this news. I mean, I'm happy for all of them, but I couldn't help thinking that I should be a part of that group too and that I had already had two chances. Then, I realized that maybe it's a sign and that it will happen to us soon too. I pray that's the case. It would be neat if Mara and all of her school friends had siblings all the same age.

Timing is everything...

...and apparently we don't have it down. At least not yet.

Another cycle has come and gone and still no pregnancy. I know it will happen one of these days, and I can accept that – most of the time. It's hard, though, when other people around me are having babies or announcing their pregnancies. I just keep reminding myself that it will all happen in God's timing, and for whatever reason, we aren't ready to have another child just yet.

So, basically, this post is to just let you guys know that there's no news on the baby front, but hopefully that will change soon.

Blood Results

I got a call from my doctor a little after 7 last night, and she said that all of my blood work came back clean, which is what we were expecting. I asked her if it could have been my ovaries since I ovulated on the same side with both miscarriages, and she said it thankfully wasn't that because it would be that much harder to treat. She does want me to take baby aspirin just in case because it won't hurt anything.

So, that's good news because it means that both of my miscarriages were pretty much flukes. I would have been nice to have answers, but at the same time, it's good to know that there's nothing wrong with me. Now we just play the waiting game to see when we get pregnant. My doctor said that hopefully she'll get to see us soon, and that this next time, I'll get nice and big and have a full-term baby.

22 vials!

I went for my blood draw today to see if they can figure out what's going on with the miscarriages and all. I wasn't sure exactly what tests my doctor wants run, but I figured they would draw a decent amount of blood. What I wasn't expecting, though, was that they were going to fill 22 of the smaller vials of blood. It was probably the equivalent of a pint or so. Now, we just have to wait about two weeks for all of the tests results to come back. Hopefully it will be worth it, and we'll find out what's going on.

However, I'm not going to be the only one who has to have blood tests. John's also going to have to go to his primary care physician so they can run a chromosomal test. We don't think that's what's going on since we had Mara without a problem, but he's going to try to schedule his blood draw for next week.

Both John and I have a feeling the miscarriages have something to do with a clotting issue, so I'm starting to take baby aspirin again. My doctor prescribed it to me before my second miscarriage was confirmed, and she wanted me to stop so that my blood work would be more true. I figured it wouldn't hurt to start taking it again in case I do get pregnant again before we know know for sure what's wrong.

So, now we're waiting until around December 19 to hear what might have caused my miscarriages this year. In the meantime, we're enjoying the weekend in San Antonio and looking forward to going to SeaWorld tomorrow. :)

Emotional roller coaster

I have been on such an emotional roller coaster the past week, and it doesn't even include Elf's death. I'm talking about this whole process of trying to get pregnant again.

All last week, I was so sure we were successful this cycle, but I (im)patiently waited to test until today. I got up this morning, tested, and recieved a big fat negative. I couldn't believe it. I was so sure that I was pregnant, and nothing pointed to me not being so. About an hour after I took the test, my body pretty much confirmed that I'm not pregnant. Last night, I went to bed so happy and excited about this morning, and now I'm basically depressed and ready to cry. I'm so tired of waiting.

This really shouldn't surprise me, though. This same thing happened a couple cycles the last time we were trying to conceive (when it took us five cycle to be successful). But I was so sure this time! I know I keep saying that, but I can't believe that my body betrayed me like it did. I guess that's an example of how you can wish and hope for something so much that you start to believe it's true even when it's not.

We have pictures tonight at the church. I was so hoping it would be like the last time we had them taken four years ago. At that time, I was just barely pregnant with Mara (only 5 weeks), and every time I look at thaat picture in our hallway, I think about how we were the only ones to know that there are actually three people represented in our picture. But I guess it's just not going to happen this time around.

Sorry for the depressing post today, but it really matches how I'm feeling. I'm tired of putting on a brave front about this whole process. I feel like I've been such a good sport about everything that's been thrown my way this year, but I'm so tired of it.

At least I feel a little better now that I've been able to just write out what I'm feeling. Maybe now I can get back to the positive outlook I usually have on this whole process, and maybe the third time will be the charm for us.

Waiting...

I went ahead and wrote this, but I decided to hold off on posting it until we knew one way or another. I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up prematurely. :)

I'm so tired of waiting to see if I'm pregnant or not. In some ways, I want to go ahead and test now to see if I'm pregnant. On the other hand, I'm going to try to wait until my next cycle is supposed to start next Wednesday (Aug. 20) so I don't waste a pregnancy test.

Obviously, round one was a bust since I didn't get pregnant last month. It actually works out in some ways because my estimate due date would have been only 10 days after Mara's 4th birthday, and I would prefer not to have birthdays so close together. If it works this time around, my estimated due date will be April 29. That's more doable for me.

I want to get pregnant again soon. Not only because I want to be pregnant again and have another child, but each month that goes by means that Mara is going to be that much older than her sibling. I'll take whatever I can get, though.

Trying again

It's been over two months now since we discovered we lost the baby, and we finally can start trying again. I have to admit, though, that I'm kind of scared heading into another pregnancy. I'm not typically a worrier, but I know I will be anxious until after I make it past the 15-week mark. I'll probably be that way until I'm holding the sweet baby in my arms, knowing that he/she is OK. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in control through all of this, and there is nothing I can do differently.

The other thing I have to overcome is the timing of the next pregnancy. If we get pregnant on our first try this time around, my due date will be about 10 days after Mara's birthday. I didn't really want our kids to have birthdays that close together, but I also didn't plan on not having another child until after Mara's fourth birthday and I don't really want to hold off much longer. However, only God knows if we will be successful this month. I know that everything happens in God's timing, and I've come to accept that I can't be so particular on when we'll have another child. This last pregnancy definitely proved I can't decide/control that. :)

While my miscarriage has had a big impact on me, I am so thankful that it happened after we had Mara and not before. I can't imagine the heartache we would have gone through if we didn't already have a child to love and cuddle when we were down. I am thankful every day that we have her in our lives. Some days, she is a typical three-year-old and we butt heads, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

TTC Sucks

TTC = Trying To Conceive

For those of you who don't know (and not many do), we've been trying to conceive our second child since our trip to San Antonio back in October, and unfortunately it hasn't worked so far.

I am such a planner. I like to know exactly when things will happen, so this is really throwing me for a loop. When we decided we were ready to start having children, I knew I wanted to have a baby in March so I would be pregnant during the winter for the most part. I got pregnant the very first time we tried, and Mara was born almost 9 months later on March 24.

I know people have said that it's not as easy to conceive the second time, but I didn't want to believe them. I had a plan, and it was going to work. I wanted to have our next child in July because that would evenly spread out our birthdays and make them all two months apart (March, May, July, September). Because of my cycle, we even had two chances of having a baby in July.

However, God had other plans.

So, here were are, getting ready to start our fifth cycle of trying to conceive with no baby in sight yet. Maybe this will be our time, maybe it won't. Both of us know that we will have our second child when we're ready, and apparently God doesn't think the timing is right yet. We just have to keep trusting in Him, and it will happen when it's supposed to. It's hard, though. Especially when I keep finding out people are getting pregnant all around me, including three of my friends who are all due at various times in 2008. This last time was even more of a disappointment than the others. Mostly because I should have been testing this weekend, and then I could go ahead and tell my family on what would have been my mom's 70th birthday - kind of bring a bright spot to a more somber occasion.

But there's nothing we can do to interfere with God's plans, so we'll just be ready and waiting for when God decides to bless us with a second child. In the meantime, we'll definitely keep trying. :)