I have been on such an emotional roller coaster the past week, and it doesn't even include Elf's death. I'm talking about this whole process of trying to get pregnant again.
All last week, I was so sure we were successful this cycle, but I (im)patiently waited to test until today. I got up this morning, tested, and recieved a big fat negative. I couldn't believe it. I was so sure that I was pregnant, and nothing pointed to me not being so. About an hour after I took the test, my body pretty much confirmed that I'm not pregnant. Last night, I went to bed so happy and excited about this morning, and now I'm basically depressed and ready to cry. I'm so tired of waiting.
This really shouldn't surprise me, though. This same thing happened a couple cycles the last time we were trying to conceive (when it took us five cycle to be successful). But I was so sure this time! I know I keep saying that, but I can't believe that my body betrayed me like it did. I guess that's an example of how you can wish and hope for something so much that you start to believe it's true even when it's not.
We have pictures tonight at the church. I was so hoping it would be like the last time we had them taken four years ago. At that time, I was just barely pregnant with Mara (only 5 weeks), and every time I look at thaat picture in our hallway, I think about how we were the only ones to know that there are actually three people represented in our picture. But I guess it's just not going to happen this time around.
Sorry for the depressing post today, but it really matches how I'm feeling. I'm tired of putting on a brave front about this whole process. I feel like I've been such a good sport about everything that's been thrown my way this year, but I'm so tired of it.
At least I feel a little better now that I've been able to just write out what I'm feeling. Maybe now I can get back to the positive outlook I usually have on this whole process, and maybe the third time will be the charm for us.
3 comments:
I know it's really rotten right now. Don't let the what ifs get to you. But know that it's ok to not be brave and happy and just be down and depressed for a bit. You can't live there, but there is light on the other side. Sometimes you still have to walk through the darkness to get there. Love you lots and praying for ya.
hi there,
you are having a hard time right now. Praying for you. I wish it were better.
much love
Pat
man, I know that feeling too well. Cindy, I hope this week is better for you.
I have a picture like that, of me and b at a braves game. I found out later that night that we were expecting our first, so everytime I look at it I have bittersweet memories.
btw, did you like your pics? we thought they were ok, but not great, not really impressed.
-megan
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