Mixed Emotions

Today's picture was supposed to be of our baby's first ultrasound, but when I went to the doctor, there was no baby and I measuring at least two weeks behind. (I would be seven weeks along on Thanksgiving.) So, it looks like another miscarriage is imminent. It's really a mixed blessing.

Earlier this year, I decided I was happy with our two children. We went through a lot to get Jack here, and I didn't really want to face that heartache again. Plus, our family feels right with just two kids. However, the timing seemed almost perfect for us with this pregnancy. Sure, we would have to postpone our DC trip next summer, but I had originally wanted Jack to be born in July (so our birthdays would be every other month) after Mara's third birthday. My due date was July 11, just four months after Jack's third birthday.

If I'm going to miscarry, I would much rather do so before I even see a heartbeat. Having been through two prior miscarriages, it is definitely much easier. I feel bad because I know of others who so badly want to have another child. Even though this pregnancy wasn't planned, this baby would have been loved just as much as Mara and Jack, but these past few weeks have served as a reminder that I'm not in control.

I was in denial when I first found out I was pregnant, and I knew then that no matter what happens with this pregnancy, I didn't want to be pregnant again. I'm not saying we're going to take any permanent measurements to ensure we don't have kids, but I don't plan on having any more. God might have other plans, just like he did with this one.

I have a Willow Tree figure for each of our pregnancies/children, and I plan to continue that tradition with this one. I think I have decided to get this one, titled "Remember."

The Big Question

One of the questions we've been asked most often since Jack was born is if we're done because we have one of each. I don't know exactly how to answer it, and maybe we're not ready to give a response just yet.

I'm now in a position that I haven't been in since October 2007. I've either been pregnant or trying to get pregnant for the past two and a half years. To tell you the truth, I kind of miss it. I miss the possibility of being pregnant and actually being pregnant. Based on how I'm feeling right now, I'm pretty sure we're not done.

But who knows, maybe when the newness of having a baby around wears off and the postpartum hormones settle down, I might change my mind about having another and be perfectly content with two kids. At the same time, I've never been able to answer the question of how many kids do we want to have. So, for those of you who were wondering, we don't know, but don't be surprised if we have at least one more eventually.

The Best Valentine's Day Present

I know it's several days late, but we wanted to wait until we at least tell our family before I posted it here (especially since some family members read this blog ;) ). We are excited to announce that we are expecting our second child in October.

I say this is the best Valentine's Day present ever because I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's Day. I didn't tell John because he was still sleeping when I left for work. Instead, I had already bought a card for Mara to give to him, so I just added "& Baby" to the signature and presented it to him Thursday night.

After giving it a few days to sink in (and to tell our families), I scheduled my first prenatal appointment today. Hopefully we'll get to see our newest little one via ultrasound when I go to see my doctor March 6.

It's still really early in the pregnancy (I'm not even 5 weeks), but I thought I would go ahead and share the great news. For those of you who are interested, I added a ticker to the sidebar that shows how far along I am. I posted one for Mara as well.

Needless to say, we are both very excited. It's even better that we get to share this experience with so many of our friends who are also expecting babies this year.

Baby Fever

It seems like we know a lot of people who are having babies this year.

Our friends had their new little boy last Thursday. Another couple found out they're having a little girl in June. Someone I used to work with is due in August. And we were told Friday that another one of my friends from college is pregnant with twins, and her due date is in August.

I am so excited for all of these people, and I can't wait to meet their little ones. Hopefully we can go through the same experience as them, but we'll have to wait a couple of weeks to find out if it's our time yet. In the meantime, I'll just celebrate with them.

TTC Sucks

TTC = Trying To Conceive

For those of you who don't know (and not many do), we've been trying to conceive our second child since our trip to San Antonio back in October, and unfortunately it hasn't worked so far.

I am such a planner. I like to know exactly when things will happen, so this is really throwing me for a loop. When we decided we were ready to start having children, I knew I wanted to have a baby in March so I would be pregnant during the winter for the most part. I got pregnant the very first time we tried, and Mara was born almost 9 months later on March 24.

I know people have said that it's not as easy to conceive the second time, but I didn't want to believe them. I had a plan, and it was going to work. I wanted to have our next child in July because that would evenly spread out our birthdays and make them all two months apart (March, May, July, September). Because of my cycle, we even had two chances of having a baby in July.

However, God had other plans.

So, here were are, getting ready to start our fifth cycle of trying to conceive with no baby in sight yet. Maybe this will be our time, maybe it won't. Both of us know that we will have our second child when we're ready, and apparently God doesn't think the timing is right yet. We just have to keep trusting in Him, and it will happen when it's supposed to. It's hard, though. Especially when I keep finding out people are getting pregnant all around me, including three of my friends who are all due at various times in 2008. This last time was even more of a disappointment than the others. Mostly because I should have been testing this weekend, and then I could go ahead and tell my family on what would have been my mom's 70th birthday - kind of bring a bright spot to a more somber occasion.

But there's nothing we can do to interfere with God's plans, so we'll just be ready and waiting for when God decides to bless us with a second child. In the meantime, we'll definitely keep trying. :)

Mara's going to be a big sister?

Not quite. At least not yet anyway. But I did get your attention, didn't I? :)

I was beginning to wonder if I was going to be giving John an unexpected anniversary gift this week, though. For some reason, my cycle was longer than usual this month. Add on to that the pregnancy dreams I kept having and the way my body was acting, and I was beginning to wonder if we might be expecting a February baby. I even went so far as to buy a package of pregnancy tests and was debating on when I should test to see if I was. I was trying to decide if I should test on our actual anniversary or the day we were going to be celebrating it, but I ended up not needing to use those tests. One of these days I'll use them – whenever it happens is all up to God.

I think I know where my weird pregnancy dreams came from, though. Our good friends told us last week that they are pregnant and expecting their third child in February. Both Evelyn and I want to be pregnant at the same time again, but I would prefer to wait a couple months before we started trying. See, I was pregnant with Mara when Evelyn got pregnant with Kyann. The two girls ended up being born only 5 months apart, and it would be great if our next kids were that close in age. Hopefully we'll both get our wish.

As far as our anniversary (observed), we had a good day. We changed our mind on the movie – instead of Pirates, we saw Shrek the Third. It was a good movie and a good day overall. John and I get to spend so little time just the two of us, so it was nice to enjoy the day together.