Bad News

I started bleeding a couple of days ago, so I decided to move my 15-week appointment from tomorrow to today. I was pretty sure that I had felt the baby move this week, so I wasn't too worried about the appointment. However, I knew that I wanted John with me at the appointment no matter what.

After doing the routine things (urine sample and weight and blood pressure check), I went in to the room to wait on my doctor. The first thing my doctor did was look for the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. She couldn't find it, but since my uterus was right on track for how far along I was, she decided the baby was just hiding. She then checked my cervix, noting it was still closed and that she could see there was some blood down there. She then sent me in for an ultrasound. I caught a glimpse of the baby as soon as the ultrasound started and noticed that the baby wasn't moving around, but the technician moved on to measure something else before focusing on the baby. She then came back to the baby, and I noticed that he/she still wasn't moving. The technician then tried to hear the heartbeat, and there was nothing. She repositioned the machine, and still no heartbeat. That's when our worst fears were confirmed, and we went in to discuss our options with my doctor.

According to the ultrasound, it looks like the baby died just a few days after we got to see him/her at my last visit (just shy of 12 weeks). My uterus was right on target for 15 weeks, so my body is just now starting to realize that I don't have a live baby. That's the reason for the bleeding not starting until now.

There was nothing I could have done differently. It's most likely a chromosomal defect, something just didn't form right, or it would have a defect of some kind. We won't ever know, though, because the baby is too young to perform an autopsy. I'm not even sure if we'll be able to find out whether the baby was a boy or a girl since that's about the same time the gender becomes visible. I can't help but wonder if this all could have been prevented if I didn't get that viral infection back at the end of February. I wasn't even six weeks yet when I got sick, and that's a crucial time in development for the baby. Still, there was nothing I could have done to prevent the sickness.

Now, I go in tomorrow for a D&C. I could let the baby pass on its own, but my doctor said I'd be in a lot of physical pain. I don't think I could go through it anyway because the baby would be definitely be visible, and I don't think I could handle that. My doctor said I should be fine physically by Saturday, but who knows how I'll feel emotionally. I feel bad because I'm helping host a shower Saturday for my friend Melissa who is having twin girls later this year. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if I feel up to going.

Looking back, there were several signs that pointed to this happening. For some reason, each time I looked at the 11-week ultrasound, I couldn't help buy wonder if something was wrong with the baby. Now I have my answer. Also, Mara stopped answering us when we asked if the baby was her little brother or sister. On top of that, I haven't been sleeping well lately, and neither has Mara. Instead, she been wanting me in the middle of the night.

I had always hoped that I would be one of the few that would never have to experience what a miscarriage felt like. At least I know that our baby is in a better place now and that God will take care of him/her. We'll definitely have more children, and as of right now, I'm thinking the sooner the better. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what God's plans are.