Moving On

It is now two days after my D&C, and life is slowly returning to normal. John went to work today, so it's just Mara and me for the day. I'm doing OK. I'm a little more weepy than usual, and I get a little achy if I do too much. I think the events of the past few days are starting to sink in, though, so my eyes tend to tear up a little more frequently than usual. Even though I was torn, I decided not to go to my friend's shower yesterday. I felt bad that I didn't go, but all of my friends told me they would have been surprised if I did show up.

I'm not sure how this will come across, but I'm glad this all happened now and not later on in the pregnancy or even after the baby was born. At my next appointment, we would have found out the baby's gender, and I think it would have been worse knowing for sure if our baby was a boy or a girl. As it is, we don't really want to know even if they could tell. Additionally, the reason I lost this baby was most likely that he/she would have been born with some sort of a defect. While I would willing and lovingly accept any baby that God blesses me with, I know that this baby is better off up in Heaven. I like to think that my mom is up there loving and taking care of our baby since we weren't able to.

There are still several people we haven't told. Mainly because I don't know how to. So, if anyone else finds out what happened by reading this blog instead of directly from one of us, I apologize. There is just no good way to address this in conversation. In fact, tomorrow I have to go to work and tell everyone why I was unexpectedly out of the office Thursday afternoon and all day Friday. It's not that I don't want them to know, but I have a feeling their sympathy will make me break out in tears.

On a final note, a while back I mentioned that I have no motivation to attend church or Sunday school right now. I just wanted to add that it is not because of my relationship with God. I am in no way mad at Him – even after all that has happened. I know that all things work together for good and that He has a plan for us. Apparently, His plans did not include us having a baby in 2008, and I'm slowly learning to accept that. But while we're not actively going to church and all that, we do appreciate any and all prayers that you are willing to give.