Mixed Emotions

Today's picture was supposed to be of our baby's first ultrasound, but when I went to the doctor, there was no baby and I measuring at least two weeks behind. (I would be seven weeks along on Thanksgiving.) So, it looks like another miscarriage is imminent. It's really a mixed blessing.

Earlier this year, I decided I was happy with our two children. We went through a lot to get Jack here, and I didn't really want to face that heartache again. Plus, our family feels right with just two kids. However, the timing seemed almost perfect for us with this pregnancy. Sure, we would have to postpone our DC trip next summer, but I had originally wanted Jack to be born in July (so our birthdays would be every other month) after Mara's third birthday. My due date was July 11, just four months after Jack's third birthday.

If I'm going to miscarry, I would much rather do so before I even see a heartbeat. Having been through two prior miscarriages, it is definitely much easier. I feel bad because I know of others who so badly want to have another child. Even though this pregnancy wasn't planned, this baby would have been loved just as much as Mara and Jack, but these past few weeks have served as a reminder that I'm not in control.

I was in denial when I first found out I was pregnant, and I knew then that no matter what happens with this pregnancy, I didn't want to be pregnant again. I'm not saying we're going to take any permanent measurements to ensure we don't have kids, but I don't plan on having any more. God might have other plans, just like he did with this one.

I have a Willow Tree figure for each of our pregnancies/children, and I plan to continue that tradition with this one. I think I have decided to get this one, titled "Remember."